Fan Mail Forum

Fan Mail Forum is a section devoted to posting the band's fan mail along with responses to those burning questions everyone asks.

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Norman D. of Timberlake, Minnesota writes:

I really loved your last show. It was KewL with a capitol C. I went deaf from the thundering sound of Doug's Bass drum, and I'm not sure, but I think David spit and/or urinated on me. I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions as far as what type of bait I should use on Northern, Black-Spotted Largemouth Bass.

Kelly Replies:

Thanks for your support, Norman. As far as bait goes, Northern, Black-Spotted Largemouth Bass are attracted to anything that moves or has shiny colors, as are most fish with Black Spots and Large Mouths that live in the North. Most "professionals" will recommend that you use a three-point hefted moth-shag lure , for best results. That's a good suggestion if you are some girly-man pansy trying to catch 5 or 10 fish. Personally, I recommend shotguns and dynamite. Lots of dynamite. If that's not good enough, you could always try a huge colander like you use to drain spaghetti in. Except really big, like one that could hold, like, 80 gallons of spaghetti. I think they sale them at the grocery store, in the big freakin' colander section. That would be pretty effective against Northern, Black-Spotted Largemouth Bass. And let's not forget: That's a hell of a lot of spaghetti.

Uhhh....sorry, Norman. I have health problems.

Susan R. of New York, New York writes:

My husband and I split last year. We're still good friends, though, and lately he's been seeing a new person, whom I feel isn't right for him at all. Should I say anything? I know I'm not jealous--after all, I wasn't right, either. What's my move?

Dave replies:

When choosing dynamite, remember that it's a tricky substance to work with. For most jobs, you should be using "40 percent" dynamite as per U.S. Bureau of Mines chart #14-A, which is best in the controlled-shock wave aspect. You want your expansion rate right around 9,500 feet per second. Anything more powerful, like 50 percent or liquid oxygen accelerant cartridges, and you're looking at a negative safety aspect.

Kelly replies:

It's never easy when a relationship ends, and the biggest test in this situation is how you deal with it when your former soulmate finds someone new. You need to examine your feelings and determine the root of them. If you are jealous, even though you say you're not, then you need to leave them alone and find someone new yourself. If you are truly concerned for him, I recommend finding out where she lives and then using Uncle Kelly's two-step method for solving every problem you'll ever have.

Harvey D. of Big Scrote, Indiana writes:

I work in a large office, and I'm in love with the woman in the next cubicle. I'm wary of office romance, though. Could the answer be as simple as switching cubicles if things don't work out? Or am I giving myself an excuse to do something I know is wrong?

Dave replies:

Bringing down the entire building in one blast may not be a good idea. Before you do anything else, check the structure for unusual materials like four-chrome/18-tungsten reciprocate vanadium industrial tool steel, which was standard for load-bearing members in the mid-'70s. For that you'll need Krupp esterless cross-colloided nitrocellulose number 16, or even higher. Your safety aspect with this material is important, because it can predetonate mildly, which isn't often fatal, but it can give you a pretty good scare. Buildings are a demolitions expert's bread and butter, so just go slow, hit all the beams, and synchronize all your blasts to bring her down all at once.
And, as always, remember the two most important rules when dealing with explosives.

Kelly replies:

First, if you ever use the word "wary" again, I will kick you in the nuts so hard that they will have to rename your town. Second, I think you're missing out by not acting on these feelings. You only live once, and each moment is precious, and I'm all out of cliches. You need to ask her out now. If it doesn't work out, you will always have plenty of time later to figure out who to show Uncle Kelly's two-step method for solving every problem you'll ever have.

Larry O. of Trollop, Transylvania writes:

As much as I love your music, I have to question your responses to fanmail. I mean, does your response to everything have to involve an explosive compound...

Dave replies:

Yes.

Larry O. of Trollop, Transylvania writes:

Hey! I wasn't finished. Didn't you see the three dots? My point is, you're sending a very dangerous message to the public at large. I mean, don't you realise the responsibility you have as world famous musicians? People adore you and will emulate every facet of your life. You MUST take this into consideration.

Dave replies:

Larry O. of Trollop, Transylvania continues:

Okay, now that's just rude. Now you're not even linking to that frikkin' picture. You'll get yours, you bastards. I hope you're proud. I love the new album, by the way.

Dave replies:

Thanks for your support.

Kelly replies:

Mr. Trollop, I think you need to examine some things. Here you are calling us rude, but you are the one who is truly screwed up. After all, you live in some fake country with some fake vampire running around saying, "I want to suck your blood". Pssssssshhhh! Whatever. After I write my congressman, there will be some bombers flying over your wussy country saying, "I want to bomb your a** into submission, sucky." By the way, I'm glad you liked the new album.

Shaqwanda X of Bugupass, California writes:

I saw you guys during your "Raunchy Rock Tour" in '97, and I noticed your stage backdrop was painted using what I like to refer to as "Autumn colors". Where can I see naturally occuring autumn colors in the United States?

Dave replies:

You can find autumn color in parks and woodlands, in the cities, countryside, and mountains - anywhere you find deciduous broadleaved trees, the ones that drop their leaves in the autumn. Nature's autumn palette is painted on oaks, maples, beeches, sweetgums, yellow-poplars, dogwoods, hickories, and others. Your own neighborhood may be planted with special trees that were selected for their autumn color. New England is rightly famous for the spectacular autumn colors painted on the trees of its mountains and countryside, but the Adirondack, Appalachian, Smoky, and Rocky Mountains are also clad with colorful displays. In the East, we can see the reds, oranges, golds, and bronzes of the mixed deciduous woodlands; in the West, we see the bright yellows of aspen stands and larches contrasting with the dark greens of the evergreen conifers.

Jimmy J. of Schlock, Washington writes:

Sometimes I look at Doug's kick drum, and my mind wanders, and I start to see how it resembles a radar dish. Then, I start to say the word radar over and over again, and it starts to lose its' meaning, and it becomes like a nonsense word to me. And I chuckle as I repeat the word over and over again.... huh, huh, huh .... radar. Then I think of how radar is really made up of two real words, "rad" and "ar". And I understand how rad it all ar. I'm not sure how radar works though.... Don't they change weather with those things? I really dig the new album too, by the way. It's rad. I smoke a lot of crack. My butt hurts.

Dave replies:

Radar is an acronym that stands for RAdio Detection And Ranging. A weather radar consists of a parabolic dish (it looks like a satellite dish) mounted on a tower of up to five or so stories tall. The dish emits a pulsed beam of microwave radiation (analogous to a radio signal, only it is pulsed rather than continuous, and the signal has a shorter wavelength than radio signals). Most weather radars operate at wavelengths of either 5 cm or 10 cm. The signal is emitted in periodic pulses rather than continuously. The radar goes through a sequence in which it emits a burst of microwave radiation, then listens for any returned signal, then emits another burst, then listens once again. The radar very rapidly switches from sending out the signal to listening for any returned signal to sending out the signal again in quick succession. The burst of radiation travels out through the lower atmosphere and is scattered by particles in the atmosphere such as rain droplets and ice crystals. When the burst of microwave radiation encounters such particles, the signal's energy is scattered in all directions, and some of it is absorbed by the particle. A portion of the energy that is scattered is reflected back to the radar. This reflected signal is then received by the radar during its listening period, and is processed into the color digital display we are accustomed to seeing as radar data.
I'm working on a song for the new album called "Radar Love: Sequencial bursts of microwave radiation from my Heart". It's very dear to me, and should rock hard enough to tear a new asshole on a billy goat.

Scurr U. Tew of Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia writes:

You know, I've been listening to you guys since your humble beginnings and have absolutely loved your work. However with this last album it really looks like you guys are selling out to the pop culture. I mean come on, is the 100 foot tall birthday cake really necessary to get your point across? And what's up with Kelly's crazy stage antics? Can he play that thing or just toss it around? (His bass that is). What are we to expect in the future� a continuation of the sell out tendency or a renewal of the genius which got you to where you are? Also, why do David and Kelly respond to fan mail, but not Doug? Is he some repressed member of the band? Does he not care about his fans? What gives?

Doug replies:

Dave replies:

Well said, Doug.
Wow, Mr. Tew. It sounds to me like you have some issues. I know that when I have issues, I enjoy a hearty Duff� beer. It's smooth, full draft taste rejuvenates my senses, it's amber glow warming my heart as I taste the fruits of meticulously crafted, beechwood aged choice hops. Get one today wherever you see the Duff� beer logo.

Juan de la Cruz Maria Sanchez Bolivar Johnson of Corrientes, Argentina writes:

Desde su gira de "Raunchy Rock" en 1997, he seguido el progreso de Los Incentivos, y me doy cuenta de una cosa - �Su m�sica es excelente! No hay nada mejor que pasar todo el d�a escuchando los tonos, melodias, y ritmos de Uds� as� es como conquist� a mi mujer, con la dulce letra de "Your Face Is Like a Puking Dog." - Ella no me pod�a resistir. Gracias por su contribuci�n al mundo de m�sica, y por tocar mi vida.

Dave replies:

What the f...? You, sir, need to watch your language. And your grammar is horrible. I won't even talk about your spelling... good God!
I have to say that I like the "puking dog" part, though... makes me think of Kelly.... Woah, did I just say that out loud?

Kelly replies:

Let's see... What's the word I'm looking for to reply to that? My Spanish is so rusty. Wait a second. I remember now. GraciASS, Senior Bad Freakin' Speller!
As for the "puki ng dog" part, this is a common mistake. Geez! You get puked on in the face by Lassie once and you never hear the end of it.

Mary Merry of Zagunis, Indiana writes:

I've looked all over your site, but I can't find a page that tells when you'll be playing in my town. Where can I go to find this information?